Let’s be honest. There may be days when the desire to return to dieting will be strong. That’s not because you’re doing anything wrong. It’s because unattainable cultural norms around body size, shape, weight, the aging process, etc. often leave us believing that we're lacking in some way.
It's not just the cultural norms that make us feel this way about our bodies either. The reality is that body image is not constant and often wavers based on external factors like your social media consumption/literacy, hunger, sleep, stress, career, loneliness, etc. so it’s natural that the temptation to diet may return on occasion.
Oftentimes the slightest things can impact how we feel about our bodies. For example, stepping on a scale at the doctor's office (which you're not obligated to do but may feel guilted to do), a change in blood work, or clothes shopping can trigger a tailspin of emotions including body shame.
And even though we now have access to many resources like podcasts, coaching, and body-positive content creators on social media to help shift our mindsets about these things, we all still get 'stuck in the suck' sometimes. This is natural so I think we all need to practice managing our expectations around this to help minimize shame spiraling.
One thing I often help my clients do when they're stuck in the suck is to remember and reflect on their 'why'.
So, when they're believing that being in a smaller, thinner, fitter, younger, etc. body is going to solve all their problems, we'll do some somatic work together (like hand over heart and belly, followed by some deep breaths) to help calm their nervous system.
Once they've come back to their body, I ask them to reflect on why they left dieting behind (my definition of dieting is: prioritizing your food choices and food quantities based on your size, shape, and weight instead of your body's physical and emotional needs) I may ask questions like:
What was your life like when you were dieting?
How did dieting make you feel?
How is your life different now that you're not chasing a number all the time?
What has giving up the thin ideal given you back?
If you are just starting out in your journey or feel guilty that you've been at this for some time but still get these urges often, please know that I'm not surprised because diet culture messaging is seductive!
If your self-care stores are low, your health is waning, you're in midlife, your pants are feeling tighter, or you're feeling vulnerable for any reason, you could easily be tempted to believe that your body, weight or age, etc. is the problem making dieting seem even more enticing.
Keeping these dieting memories green will help you circle back to the reality that dieting has an approximate long-term success rate of only 5%. That means that approximately 95% of the time, the weight will be regained which studies show may lead to more serious health concerns, increase body dissatisfaction, and increase mental health issues.
Please remember that while the way we feel about our bodies may naturally vacillate, our worth is constant.
3 Questions to Ask When Struggling to Accept Your Body
Body acceptance doesn't come easy, especially for midlife women! After all, midlife women are often faced with divorce, an empty nest, peri/menopause, retirement, caring for aging parents, losing friends and family members, etc. Can you relate?
Listening to podcasts, calling a trusted friend, journaling, and connecting online in body-positive spaces can all be helpful strategies but they aren't always available or appealing to us in moments of discomfort.
When negative thoughts surface about our bodies we need to be intentional about how we respond to them. One way to do this is with self-inquiry.
Self-inquiry helps to create a pause so we can begin exploring what may be going on beneath the "I feel ___________ (fat, old, lazy, washed up, etc.)." language. Self-inquiry also helps us to understand our experiences in new ways, develop new behaviors, and possibly recognize our blind spots.
Inquiry is a tool I often use during coaching sessions to help my clients gently excavate unhelpful beliefs that are keeping them from moving forward. In fact, some of the biggest "a-ha" moments my clients experience happen when I ask thought-provoking questions like some of the ones I'm sharing with you.
The great news about self-inquiry is that it's available to us all the time.
The next time you are struggling with body acceptance, consider asking yourself one or a few of these questions and see what happens. I have a lot more questions (and some come to me at the moment) that I use but these will give you some idea of what I'm talking about so you can get started. Of course, it's best when these questions are asked in a compassionate, curious manner instead of with a judgy or condemning voice.
What criteria are you evaluating yourself against?
What meaning are you attaching to your size/weight/age?
Since you cannot control your body, what else can you control that is within your reach?
I use self-inquiry often and it works wonders for me! If you are already using self-inquiry but you are still bogged down with frequent negative thoughts about your body, aging, movement for mobility, etc. schedule time with me. This journey wasn't meant to be done alone. Support may be the missing piece you need to get over the hump.
#1 Tip To Stop Cringing When Seeing Yourself in Pictures
There should be a comment bubble in this image saying, 'Is that how I really look?'
Countless times I've heard clients say this out loud when they see themselves in pictures. In full transparency, even though I've come a long way in neutralizing how I feel about my body, I've said this too! We are all HUMAN so responses like this are expected sometimes.
For many ex-dieters who've yet to heal their relationships with their bodies, looking at pictures amplifies diet culture thoughts like,
'My body can't really look like this."
'Am I really this old?'
'What happened to my body?'
'This intuitive eating thing has gone too far!'
'I have to fix this.'
Seeing ourselves in pictures puts us in a unique position. When we timidly gaze at ourselves (if we look at all!) in pictures, we become the observer and critical judge rather than the person who lived the experience. So, we naturally shift into objectifying our bodies hence the critical response we experience.
While a few key things like lighting, clothing, position/angle, etc. could contribute to how we look in pictures, those things are usually not remembered when critical thoughts about the body start amplifying.
Instead, the picture often becomes a sign that there is something wrong with the body and it needs to be 'fixed'. For some, these critical thoughts have gotten so loud that it stops them from being in pictures altogether. Or they'll trepidly agree to be in pictures but they won't look at them, so they never have to feel the discomfort of looking at their body.
Sadly, whatever experience was captured at the moment the picture was taken gets eclipsed by criticism and judgment.
How can you feel better about seeing yourself in pictures?
You may not like what I'm about to say, so brace yourself.
One of the best ways to start feeling better about seeing your body in pictures is to take more pictures.
Like neutralizing 'fear' or 'trigger' foods with food habituation (food habituation is a form of neurobiological learning in which repeated eating of the same food causes a decrease in behavioral and physiologic responses (Epstein 2009)) the same concept can be used for picture taking.
I know that many of you are thinking that I'm nuts! (Ha-ha! I get that a lot!)
If this is you, I hear you and understand why you'd feel this way. After all, why would anyone want to do something that causes so much discomfort?
It's because, like habituation, this is the way to decrease the behavioral and physiologic responses to seeing yourself in pictures. In other words, it helps to neutralize them.
Because, the truth is, you deserve to capture your experiences in pictures without all the criticism and judgment.
Keep moving forward by...
Recognizing that any critical thoughts you have about your body are a byproduct of diet culture conditioning and not because you are deficient in any way.
Know that what you see in photos says nothing about who you are as a person.
Know that you can have a different relationship with your body that is built on respect and neutrality instead of loathing and shame.
Do you struggle when you see your body in pictures? Know that you don’t have to do this journey alone.
Despite What We've Been Told, Hunger Isn't a Bad Thing
Yours truly unapologetically savoring a snack in Italy this summer!
Have you ever heard, "Wow, you've got a big appetite!" or "Are you going to eat all that?"
I'm raising my hand because I have!
In fact, some of my most vivid childhood memories are when someone (mainly my mother) commented about how much food I had on my plate. I don't blame her because she was also a victim of diet culture, but nonetheless, I know that it negatively affected my relationship with food. I talk about this in my recent podcast interview with Chris Sandel of Seven Health.
Comments like these often make us feel shameful and embarrassed about how much food we desire and/or eat. In some cases, comments like this may even lead to rebellious eating.
Thanks to diet culture, we've been told that honoring our body's hunger cues is problematic.
Diet culture tells us that:
Eating is okay when it's only being used for fuel
Eating is okay when you only eat as much as you 'need'
Eating is okay provided you're eating only when you're physically hungry (or else it's considered gluttonous)
Eating shouldn't be used to help us soothe our emotions
Do you know what messages like this do?
They disrupt our ability to truly trust our bodies, specifically our hunger. A lack of body trust often makes us feel unsafe in our bodies. This lack of trust also interferes with our body sensations. So, our bodies may be giving us hunger signals but our minds will fight hard to override these cues because they've learned that not following the rules is bad, especially for women!
Don't be fooled and think that overriding these cues (which is also emotionally draining) means that you refrain from eating, although it may in extreme cases. How this usually plays out in our daily lives is,
Not eating as much food as the body actually needs for physical and emotional reasons
Not eating the foods that the body truly desires leading to feelings of dissatisfaction
More often than not, eating past a comfortable fullness
Increased stress and anxiety around food (which may cause digestive issues)
Increased fear of weight gain and thoughts of restricting
In the end, if we trusted our hunger as much as we trust our need to go to the bathroom, disordered eating wouldn't affect such a huge percentage of the population!
If you're someone who doubts, berates, or belittles themselves because they've been told or believe they eat 'too much', eat 'too often', or eat for the 'wrong reasons', that's all diet culture conditioning that can be unlearned.
Despite what diet culture dictates, our bodies know what they need, and they can be trusted! Keep tuning in, honoring your body’s cues, and unapologetically savoring every bite and wait for ‘magic’ to unfold.
Want eating and body image to be easier? I know I can help.
12 Things You Can Control Instead of Trying to Control Your Weight
If you're in the US, the recent news around gun violence in our schools and communities, reproductive rights, LGBTQ+ rights (especially trans rights), etc. may be weighing heavily on your mind. If this is you, know that you're not alone because I've lost hours of sleep in the last few weeks. Like many of you, I have a myriad of emotions but mostly I feel grief, overwhelm, and powerless because I have little control over what is happening. Do you feel this way sometimes too?
I've had plenty of clients say that they feel this same sense of overwhelm and powerlessness when they've just started their intuitive eating journey, are struggling with peri/menopause, have been diagnosed with pre-diabetes or diabetes, an autoimmune illness, or their labs indicate elevated cholesterol, etc.
The natural response when things feel out of control is to try to regain control somehow. While is a logical response, it often doesn't come easy. This is because many of the things we tend to try and control only give us the illusion that they can be controlled.
Below is a short but not exhaustive list of things we do when we are trying to regain control:
Weight, body size, and shape
Our food by practicing restrictive behaviors/dieting (a.k.a. undereating)
Other people
What other people think of us
How did trying to control those things work out for you?
Now for the good news. Below is a list of a few tangible things that are within your control:
Our attitudes, actions, and reactions
How much time we spend on social media and who we follow
Boundaries we set with others, around our time, etc.
Spending time with people that nourish us emotionally
How we speak to ourselves
Our spending/budgets
How often we're checking in with our bodies
Harmful habits and/or patterns
Our self-care practices (sleep, movement, time management, etc.)
How we dress ourselves
Nourishing our bodies with foods that put their needs first
Organization/cleanliness of our environments
The illusion of control in a society so hyper-focused on physical appearance is powerful so if this is hard to accept, it's understandable. Even so, I encourage you to keep focusing on the long list of things within your control and see the freedom and peace they can offer you.
If you're feeling that you could benefit from getting 1:1 support because you're still trying to control the uncontrollable, let's connect to see how coaching can help you move past this.
Measuring Progress without the Scale
The other day, I was asked how I measure my client’s progress without using the scale. I thought this was such a great question, especially for anyone who is considering practicing Intuitive Eating. The truth is, unlike dieting, with Intuitive Eating, progress isn’t measured by numbers (although metabolic health ranges may improve as a byproduct of better self-care). In fact, focusing on numbers like weight, inches lost/added or number of times eaten hinders the healing process. If you’re struggling in your relationship with food and have decided to start practicing Intuitive Eating, there are several indicators that show your progress without ever stepping on a scale, counting a calorie, ‘point’ or measuring your waist!
1. Hunger/fullness — You’re allowing yourself to unconditionally eat (mostly when hungry, but sometimes just because you want to) and not just basing your meals/snacks on the time of day and/or the number of hours between meals/snacks. Also, you’re becoming more aware when you’re feeling full and are usually able to stop eating based on these signals.
2. Reduced stress/anxiety — You enjoy your food with a noticeable difference in how you feel when you’re preparing it, eating it, and feeling after eating it. In the past, certain foods may have left you wanting more and possibly even obsessing over them but when you’ve begun to make peace with food, that stress around food often dissipates. This certainly doesn’t happen overnight, but eventually, white knuckling around food will be a faint memory.
3. Digestion matters — Many who consistently eat foods that don’t agree with their digestive systems are often not tuned in to how certain foods or combinations of foods make them feel. Becoming aware of this is a huge part of the Intuitive Eating process. For some, becoming more observant about their food choices and/or food combinations is important. This may be difficult in the initial stages of Intuitive Eating, but over time, it usually becomes easier to discern this. Supplements may also be needed to help with this.
4. More variety — For those who have religiously restricted foods high in calories, fat, or carbs often limit the types of foods they’ll eat. They do this because they fear they’ll go ‘overboard’ and not be able to stop eating once they start. They are often terrified of weight gain. This is very common and can sometimes keep people in a rut with their food and often stagnates or prevents healing. Being open to and then noticing that you’re allowing a variety of foods in your diet and that you eat these foods without (or with reduced) anxiety or fear is huge growth!
5. Stop labeling and judging– You’ve stopped labeling food as “good” vs. “bad” or “healthy” vs. “unhealthy”. Labels like these create a lot of guilt around food choices and, over time, chip away at self-esteem. Labeling foods also causes us to have a moral attachment to foods. This attachment makes it impossible to notice the satisfaction level of the food and how you’ll feel physically and emotionally after eating it. Without this knowledge, foods will continue to be seen from the standpoint of calories, fat grams, carbs, etc. which is still dieting. Once you’re able to get past your judgments about food, the food choices usually become more nutritionally balanced.
6. Less preoccupation — Instead of being consistently preoccupied over what to eat, how much to eat, when to eat it, etc. you can simply be mindful and enjoy what you’re eating! While it’s certainly acceptable to give thought to food and the enjoyment of it, doing so in an unbalanced/obsessive manner isn’t healthy. When the food obsession diminishes, there is more time to enjoy life!
7. Move for fun, not punishment — It’s amazing what happens when the focal point of the exercise isn’t on the number of calories burned, but on how the movement makes your body feel. When your criteria for choosing movement is based on how it makes you feel rather than on the number of calories that will be burned or the number of steps you walked, you can choose movement that you’ll enjoy and likely do consistently. Engaging in consistent movement is important for metabolic health (blood pressure, blood cholesterol, sugar), managing stress, bone health, and emotional wellbeing.
8. Stop food extremes — You know you’re well on your way to food freedom once you’ve stopped going to food extremes like forbidding refined sugar, carbs, fats or high-calorie foods. When you’ve gotten to a place where you recognize that all foods can be enjoyed in moderation (which is different for everyone) and without all the guilt, this is a great sign! Once you’ve begun to see that all foods (barring a food allergy or sensitivity) can be enjoyed without the sky falling or the nasty food police always judging every morsel of food that crosses your lips, you’re on your way to achieving food freedom!
So, the next time you’re wondering if your Intuitive Eating efforts are “paying off”, I hope you’ll consider these non-numeric benchmarks. Remember, being an Intuitive Eater is not about being “perfect” around food. In fact, it’s just the opposite. Intuitive Eating is about allowing ourselves to be more flexible around food while allowing our bodies to guide us. When we’re ‘tuned in’ to what our bodies need instead of focusing on numbers, food freedom and body acceptance are possible!
Are you ready to ditch dieting and try Intuitive Eating instead? If so, good for you! Join us in The No-Diet Sisterhood group on Facebook where we talk about Intuitive Eating and body acceptance all day long!
P.S. Coaching is the perfect space to explore any eating and body image struggles you may be grappling with. Click the button below if you’d like to schedule a free 20-minute connection session with me to see if coaching is a good fit for you.