What Is The Self-Love Diet and Why It's Harmful to Follow

I believe that nourishing and caring for our bodies, in whatever way we deem appropriate for ourselves, is an act of self-love. However, more often than not, when I hear people speaking of self-love as it relates to their relationships with food and body, it’s often in a restrictive, rigid, guilt-ridden, and judgmental manner.  

For example, phrases like, "I love myself too much to eat _____ because it’s X (processed, fried, etc.) or has too many X (calories, sugars, etc.). While some may not eat _____ because it doesn’t make them feel well, most of the time it’s because they fear it will make them gain weight and/or get fat(ter). Or, because they believe they’re “addicted” to the food and won’t be able to stop eating it. And some won’t eat ________ because eating _______ isn’t “healthy”.

Others will say things like, "I don't emotionally eat anymore because I love myself too much for that.". And, when people do eat for emotional reasons (which the majority of us do from time-to-time) they usually feel ashamed and judge themselves harshly because they believe if they loved themselves enough, they wouldn’t need to use food as a “crutch” to cope with life’s ups and downs. 

Before I discovered intuitive eating, I used to believe that relating to food this way was an act of self-love too. Now I see that I was just following a Self-Love Diet. 

I feel it’s appropriate to call it a Self-Love Diet because a diet is when we are purposely trying to lose or control our weight by eating and/or exercising in a certain manner. This is done by physically restricting food or calories and/or by using exercise to compensate for additional calories eaten. When the rigid rules of diets become impossible to follow (which is inevitable), we’re left to feel guilty and shameful about our perceived dieting failures and about our food choices, lack of exercise, and “emotional” and/or binge eating, etc. Of course, research indicates that it’s the restrictive eating behaviors that are causing the majority of these eating difficulties in the first place, but most don’t realize this fact.  

It’s not surprising that many people are on a Self-Love Diet because on the surface, it seems like a nice idea, right? After all, love is one of the strongest human emotions. So, if we could harness it for the purposes of having the body that we’ve always wanted, we should be able to love ourselves thin, maintain our weight throughout all the phases of our lives, and/or finally get our eating “under control”. In theory, it sounds like it would make sense, but the reality is that diets aren't successful long-term which is why over 85% of people who diet gain the weight back, plus more, within 3-5 years. 

The truth is, in this case, self-love is being conflated with control. Self-love is supposed to make us feel good and uplift us. A Self-Love Diet is having the opposite effect because it’s nearly impossible to follow long-term, causes self-judgment, guilt, and shame. None of these emotions make us feel good about ourselves so how could that be self-love? 

I don’t think self-love is a lost cause for caring for ourselves, but I would like to redefine self-love from a weight-neutral, anti-diet perspective.

• Self-love is learning to listen to your body and honor it as often as possible.

• Self-love is letting go of harmful beliefs that eating needs to look a certain way or it's wrong or harmful.

• Self-love is trusting that your body will work its weight out on its own without trying to manipulate or control it.

• Self-love is sometimes eating even when you're not hungry.

• Self-love is moving your body in a way that brings you joy and isn't used to punish.

• Self-love is knowing that we don't need anyone to define the parameters around what to eat, when to eat, and how much to eat. ⠀⠀

• Self-love is eating satisfying foods whenever you're able.

• Self-love is sometimes eating for emotional eating reasons without feeling shameful.

• Self-love is caring for your body in a way that is sustainable and defined on your own terms.

• Self-love is acknowledging that you have individual and unique needs and you can decide how to best satisfy them.

Now that's the kind of self-love that will make us feel good about ourselves and take better care of ourselves. And, this redefined form of self-love is more sustainable and will likely result in a peaceful and flexible relationship with food.

If after you’ve read this message you realize that you are following a Self-Love Diet and want to change that, you can! Remember, it’s never too late to look at things from a fresh, new perspective. Now that you have this awareness, you can start moving toward a peaceful relationship with food by practicing intuitive eating! 

I’d love to hear from you! Have you ever followed a Self-Love Diet?

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If you're tired of battling with your weight, fed up with the cycle of yo-yo dieting, and yearning to be free from your obsessive thinking about food and your body, schedule your complimentary Embrace Anti-Diet Living Connection Session.

We’ll get clear on where you are now, what you want instead, and what might be getting in the way of your success.

I’ll also share some powerful recommendations and resources to get you started on creating a peaceful relationship with your body and food.

Will the Calorie Counting Ever End?

One of the questions I often hear from my clients is, “Will the calorie counting ever end?”. Before I continue, I will say that if you were accustomed to counting “points” or macros or any other tallying (like the number of daily starches or fruits, etc.), this blog will help you too.

First, for ex-dieters, counting is a very common behavior, so please know that you’re not alone if you’re still doing this. Second, changing this behavior is definitely possible, but it will take time because it is an automatic mental habit.

Why is it important to change this behavior?

Changing this behavior is important because counting disconnects you from eating intuitively. Intuitive eating is about moving away from reliance on external cues to guide our food choices and instead relying on our body’s internal cues. When you’re counting, it’s very likely influencing your food choices based on the number of X (X=calories, points, macros, etc.) and that will prevent you from listening to your body’s internal cues. This is just another form of deprivation and likely still an attempt to control and/or manipulate your weight. Again, all normal and expected ex-dieting behavior, but not intuitive. Continuing with these behaviors will prolong your suffering and prevent you from healing your relationship with food.

How to stop it?

Simply willing yourself to stop the behavior isn’t enough to stop it. Like using willpower to stay on a diet, it may prevent you from eating _________ for a little while, but it’s not sustainable. The way to stop counting is to continue practicing intuitive eating.

What can you expect during this process?

As you begin to ease into intuitive eating, you’ll likely worry that you’re still counting. In fact, you may even be annoyed or irritated by the constant counting because you know that counting is a dieting tool and you’ve given up dieting! You may even feel shameful about this but there is no need to. Just because you’re now practicing intuitive eating, this doesn’t mean that you’re going to be able to give up old behaviors so quickly. This is a process that takes time, patience and copious amounts of self-compassion.

Manage your expectations by acknowledging that you’ll still make some choices based on this tallying. Take comfort in knowing that the more you start to rely on your body to gauge your eating, such as hunger, fullness, and satisfaction, the more you’ll see that the tallying begins to dissipate. Start to notice how different your body feels both physically and emotionally when you honor it by eating what you truly desire.

Next, you’ll probably still notice the tallying but you won’t make your food choices based on that information. Begin to notice how much more relaxed you’re starting to feel around food as you listen to your body more. Are foods that used to be off limits due to high/low counts no longer seem as intimidating to you now?

Lastly, continue to assess how you feel after you eat. Consider the following questions:

Are you feeling more satisfied with your food choices overall?

Are you feeling less distracted during the day because you’re nourishing your body with the amount and types of food that your body needs to function at its best?

Are you trusting that your body knows what it needs and that by listening to it, you will feel better?

If you’ve answered yes or mostly yes to these questions, my guess is that the tallying has likely become less important to you or has stopped entirely. If it hasn’t, keep flexing your intuitive eating muscles by continuing to tune-in and listen to your body. The stronger your intuitive eating practice gets, the weaker the tallying will be until it eventually drifts off entirely.

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If you're tired of battling with your weight, fed up with the cycle of yo-yo dieting, and yearning to be free from your obsessive thinking about food and your body, schedule your complimentary Embrace Anti-Diet Living Connection Session.

We’ll get clear on where you are now, what you want instead, and what might be getting in the way of your success.

I’ll also share some powerful recommendations and resources to get you started on creating a peaceful relationship with your body and food.

Are You Making This Common Intuitive Eating Mistake?

One of the reasons why I love practicing Intuitive Eating is because it has given me freedom from food and negative body image. In fact, this is the main reason why clients seek out my services. They are ready to uncouple their self-worth to the number on the scale or the size of their jeans. They are ready to reclaim their lives and free up the time and energy they had previously used to count calories, fat grams, carbs, or “points”.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with intuitive eating, it’s a process that teaches you how to stop dieting and/or restricting food and start listening to your body’s internal wisdom as it relates to hunger and fullness, cravings, movement, etc.

Intuitive eating is the polar opposite of dieting because it does not have any rigid rules or “have tos”. Instead, it offers 10 principles to gently guide you out of the elusive and damaging diet culture and into food freedom.

One mistake I made when I first began practicing intuitive eating was treating the principles like rules. This is a very common experience for newbies and can be very problematic if not caught. Mistaking the principles for rules is no different than being on a diet; that rigidity still exists. After all, the primary purpose of practicing intuitive eating is to break free from diet culture so one can experience freedom, flow, and flexibility in their relationships with food and body. This can only happen when we ditch the rules, rigidity, and harsh personal judgments and start listening and trusting our bodies again.

So, how do you know if you’re making this common mistake?

One of the best ways to recognize this is to observe your language. Being mindful of how you talk and think about the principles is key. Whenever words like always, never, only, and should are used in conjunction with the intuitive eating principles, it is often a sign that rigidity, perfectionism, and food morality are present. This is the epitome of diet culture!

A few of the principles that I mistook for rules were related to hunger, fullness, and emotional eating. My clients often make the same mistakes. Over the years, I’ve heard many of my people say things like:

But I thought I should only eat when I’m hungry.

or

I’m only supposed to eat until I’m full, right?

or

I try to never eat for emotional reasons because that violates the principles.

But, when you begin to embody the principles you’ll likely discover this:

Sometimes you will eat when you’re not physically hungry just because something looks yummy and you don’t want to miss out.

Sometimes you will overeat.

Sometimes you will eat to soothe yourself.

And, it’s all okay! In fact, this is what Ellyn Satter, Registered Dietitian, family therapist, and author at the Ellyn Satter Institute describes as normal eating.

None of these examples mean that you’ve done anything “wrong” or that you’re not practicing intuitive eating the “right” way. It simply means you’re human. Intuitive eating isn’t about being “perfect” around food. It’s about developing a healthier relationship with food. The more tuned-in and open you are to listen to our body’s (hunger, fullness, satiety, etc.) and the less perfectionistic you try to be, the more relaxed and joyful your relationship with food will eventually become.

I will add that as you continue to nurture and heal this complex relationship, it’s best to make curiosity and self-compassion your daily co-pilots instead of self-judgement and perfectionism.

Please understand that if you feel that you’re frequently eating in a way that isn’t aligned with your intuition or feel that your eating is consistently uncontrollable, it’s best to seek guidance from a trained anti-diet professional. 

Judging ourselves for our perceived “mistakes” and/or beliefs that we’re not doing intuitive eating “right” keeps us stuck in diet culture. When these guidelines are used as gentle parameters and not as rules, it makes room for that freedom, flow, flexibility with eating that so many of us have yearned to have. It’s no longer about “perfect” eating. It’s about doing our best to listen to our body’s cues knowing that sometimes we may not. The good news is that with intuitive eating there’s room for all of this. This is part of the beauty and delight in practicing intuitive eating. It allows us to be human and enjoy a healthful and flexible way of eating that dieting never could.

5 Tips To Help Navigate Nighttime Eating

Do you find yourself wandering around the kitchen at night or even waking from a deep sleep to eat? Well, if so, know that you’re not alone! This is a common concern that I hear from my intuitive eating coaching clients.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with intuitive eating, it’s an eating philosophy that teaches you to ditch dieting and start to listen to your body’s wisdom as it relates to hunger and fullness, cravings, movement, etc.

The other day, a woman in my Facebook group (the No-Diet Sisterhood) posted a question about her nighttime eating woes. She was concerned because she was often eating late at night and it was usually done in the absence of physical hunger. And even though intuitive eating allows unconditional permission to eat all foods without rigid rules (being mindful of known food allergies or food sensitivities), its purpose is to relearn how to tune-in and listen to the bodies intuitive cues. Observing these cues helps to minimize chronic overeating, habitual and/or bored eating, or eating because of uncomfortable emotions. I want to be clear that if you’re physically hungry, eat. However, if your nighttime eating feels uncontrollable or compulsive, and is frequently done in the absence of physical hunger, keep reading to discover some of the reasons why this may be happening.

1.Restrictive eating — Remember, diet mentality is very insidious! Even if you’re not on a “diet” per say, it’s very possible that food restriction is still happening. If you’re denying yourself the foods you desire during the day, it’s not surprising that you want to eat at night. Whenever there is food restriction, overeating or binging eventually follows. The unwanted nighttime eating could just be side effect of the food restriction. 

Make the shift: Take some time before your meals/snacks to be sure you’re not denying yourself foods due to the number of calories, fats, carbs, etc. that they contain. Eat what looks appealing to you without restriction. If giving yourself permission to eat all foods is frightening to you (which it commonly is for dieters), understand that this can be a very complex issue and support is often needed to move past this. Know that the risk of not addressing this fear will keep you stuck in diet mentality indefinitely and never allow you to fully embrace intuitive eating.

2.Not eating enough — One of the more common reasons why people eat at night is because they’re not eating enough food during the day. Sometimes this is due to fear of weight gain and/or lingering diet mentality. However, it could also be because their work and/or family schedules are so hectic that it interferes with making adequate time for nourishing and consistent eating. 

Make the shift: It’s important to realize that taking time to adequately nourish and fuel the body is an essential part of self-care. Believe me, I can relate. I’m a mom, wife, and an entrepreneur and know how hectic life can be sometimes. However, making a concerted effort to care for our bodies by feeding them consistently with nourishing foods is important and necessary in managing our moods, our energy and performance levels, and unwanted nighttime eating.

3.Satisfaction factor — Consider food satisfaction. When you’re eating, ask yourself if the foods you’re eating are satisfying you. If not, this could also cause nighttime foraging. Remember, while being mindful of hunger and fullness is an integral part in practicing intuitive eating, eating satisfying foods is equally important. If the foods you’re eating are leaving you wanting more (even when you’re full), this is often an indication that they aren’t satisfying you. 

Make the shift: Take the time to experiment with foods to see what makes your belly happy. Maybe it’s adding more fat to a meal, like avocado or mayonnaise. Perhaps it’s eating more carbs during lunch. Whatever it is, find your satisfaction sweet spot as often as you can when deciding what to eat.

4.Stress management — While some stress is natural, excessive, consistent stress can be debilitating. The funny thing about stress is that when we’re busy and in our daily routine, we don’t often think about it too much because there isn’t time. That’s usually when we’re in autopilot mode. However, when things slow down at night, the emotions often come flooding in and often, the food follows. 

Make the shift: As an act of self-care, check-in with your body during the day. See if you notice any part(s) of your body that are feeling tense (common areas are neck, shoulders, between eye brows). If your body is showing signs of stress, take a few minutes to meditate (try the free phone app Insight Timer). Sometimes just closing your eyes and taking a few cleansing breaths is enough to help clear your mind and reduce stress. You’d be surprised how this can shift the direction of your day.

5.Adequate sleep — If you’re not getting adequate sleep, this can really mess with your hunger hormones — leptin and ghrelin. As this study indicates, “Participants with short sleep had reduced leptin and elevated ghrelin. These differences in leptin and ghrelin are likely to increase appetite…”. So, lack of sleep could also be a contributing factor to nighttime eating.

Make the shift: I’ll be the first to say that sleep eludes us sometimes. It’s natural. However, if it’s consistent, it needs to be looked at more closely because the potential ramifications of poor sleep can lead to serious health issues. Taking the time to discern what may be causing the sleepless nights is key to overcoming it. A thoughtful and compassionate look at your life may be in order. Stress is often a contributing factor with sleep issues, so reviewing number four above is important.

As you can see, there could be multiple reasons why unwanted nighttime eating occurs. You could be experiencing one of these things or it could be a combination of things that are contributing to your nighttime eating. While it may take time to unravel the reasons why there is nighttime eating, the benefits of doing so are worth it. After all, feeling uncontrollable around food can cause additional stress, and no one needs that! Being self-compassionate, curious, and patient while you figure this out will go a long way in changing this behavior. Investing this time to understand what may be going on beneath the surface can seriously impact the quality of your life, including your relationship with your food and body.

Don’t Be Another Weight Watchers Victim

Well, it’s January (a.k.a. Diet Month) and as expected, things are heating up in the 60-billion-dollar diet industry! Many are geared up to “slay” 2018 by making the usual dead-end resolution to lose weight and get in “shape”. I heard on the news recently that gym memberships are on the rise. No surprise there. And, I’m pretty sure if I go anywhere near a mall that rents space to a Weight Watchers, the lines to join would be wrapped around the building. No surprise there either. ’Tis that the time of year.

I’ve been hearing lots of people talking about the new and “improved” Weight Watchers program. I’ve also seen lots of TV commercials about it and many other weight loss plans. I will not promote it by linking to it, but I did want to chat about it briefly because a few women in my No-Diet Sisterhood Facebook group messaged me because they wanted to know my thoughts. I figured everyone would benefit from hearing my response, so here goes.

I want to be very clear about something. If you are looking to make 2018 the year where you finally end chronic yo-yo dieting, joining Weight Watchers or any other weight loss program will not help you achieve that goal.

No matter what Weight Watchers does to their program, it’s still a diet for these reasons:

1. It reinforces restrictive eating because in order to be “successful”, points must still be counted. A reminder that restrictive eating usually leads to bingeing and other disordered eating behaviors.

2. It’s not weight-neutral because in order to remain a member, you’re required to weigh in weekly. This continues to promote body dissatisfaction instead of body neutrality (the belief that all bodies are of value regardless of their weight), especially if there is a weight gain.

3. It reinforces diet culture because it puts more value on numbers than on a person’s overall health which includes the emotional, physical, and spiritual components.

4. It creates a dysfunctional relationship with movement (a.k.a. exercise) because it allows you to earn “points” for engaging in movement. Movement shouldn’t be used as a pawn to eat more or less!

I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point!

Please, don’t fall victim to this incognito no-diet BS. Commit to diet-free living (by practicing intuitive eating) and never count, worry or obsess about “points” ever again. Doing this will almost certainly improve your overall health and repair your relationship with food. It will also help you start respecting and trusting your body again.

The best part is that once you transition and develop confidence in your intuitive eating practice, you’re all set! You don’t have to rejoin any club or buy another expensive membership next year. That’s because with intuitive eating, you learn to trust your body again and stop relying on things like “points” (or calories or macros, etc.) and start to listen to your body and honor its needs. After all, no one knows your body better than you! So stop giving away that power and money to places like Weight Watchers and start living diet-free by practicing intuitive eating. Make the transition to intuitive eating and watch how your whole world will change for the better.

8 Ways to Embrace Intuitive Eating with More Ease

When I hit diet rock bottom in 2013 and discovered Intuitive Eating, I was desperate for change. I was also doubtful that Intuitive Eating would help me heal my profoundly dysfunctional relationship with food, but I was willing to give it a try because I just couldn’t tolerate the thought of trying another darn diet! Honestly, I thought that it would be easier than it initially was. At first, I was excited not to have so many restrictions around food, but with that freedom, also came a lot of fear, confusion and stress. Please understand that I’m not saying any of this to discourage you. In fact, quite the opposite. I’m telling you this because you may be feeling similarly, and I want you to know that you’re not alone.

The good news is that it’s possible to get through all that initial unpleasantness and discomfort. Yes, all of it! If you continue and work through the potential fears, confusion and stress (or other uncomfortable emotions), you’ll get to the other end of the proverbial rainbow and discover food freedom! To help you accomplish this, I’ve compiled some tips that will empower you to keep moving forward in your journey.

1. Educate yourself – Please don’t fall into a common trap by thinking that Intuitive Eating is just a “hunger/fullness” diet because it isn’t! When you embrace all that Intuitive Eating is, your whole life will change, not just how you relate to your food and your body. Take time to read the book Intuitive Eating and get the new Intuitive Eating Workbook. Both are invaluable resources that will help you in your journey.

2. Focus on freedom not weight – One of the things that many struggle with when they first start practicing Intuitive Eating is weight gain. While not everyone gains weight, many do and it can be very uncomfortable at first. Understand that if you’ve been restricting and/or dieting for some time, your body has been deprived and needs to catch up. I know first-hand how physically uncomfortable this can be because I experienced this myself. The great news is that it very likely will taper off and you’ll find your natural weight without dieting! To help dispel some of these common concerns (which can really keep people feeling stuck), I recommend focusing on the freedom that practicing Intuitive Eating is giving you instead of just the weight gain and/or the way you look. As Taryn Brumfitt says so beautifully in her documentary Embrace, “My body is not an ornament, it is the vehicle of my dreams.” Remembering that we are so much more than just our bodies goes a long way in the healing process.

3. Social media – Pinterest and Instagram are great places to get support and inspiration. In Pinterest, search for “Intuitive Eating” or “Body Positive” and you’ll see loads of articles, images, free resources, etc. Instagram is also great for this! Search for relevant hashtags like #IntuitiveEating, #BodyPo, #Nodiet, #BodyConfidence, #HAES, etc. These social media platforms pack a lot of anti-diet punch.

4. Give back – It’s a well-known fact that one of the most effective ways to boost our own vibe is to be in service or help others. So, if you find outlets that are helping you, give back by supporting others. Make supportive comments, share with others who might benefit, and whenever possible (up to your comfort level) share your experiences. This will help you and others to keep moving forward. Remember, we’re all connected, so when we raise someone else up, we all benefit.

5. Move your body – When you’re feeling crappy and just want to give up, move your body. Go for a walk, hike or just go out in nature. One of the many powerful phrases I still remember from my days in Overeaters Anonymous is “Move a muscle, change a thought!” Even if you just fold laundry, clean your house, do some gardening, it’s all good. You’d be surprised how a mood can turn around by just moving. It doesn’t much matter what you choose to do, just move in a loving, self-compassionate way.

6. Have faith – When you feel low, it’s hard to believe that it’s ever going to get better. I’ve been there and know how hard this one can be. But, we must remember that it’s always darkest before the dawn. Better days are ahead and the more we believe that, the better we’ll likely feel. So, keep the faith knowing that this is one season of many in your life.

7. You can have it too – Know that if someone else can have success with Intuitive Eating, you can too! As the late Debbie Ford said in her profound book The Dark Side of the Light Chasers “If you want to be like others, it’s because you have the ability within you to be like them.” So, by keeping this in mind, move forward knowing that your day is coming. It won’t come all at once, but it will come if you stick with it.

8. Get 1:1 support – If you’ve been practicing Intuitive Eating for some time and still just don’t think you’re fully embracing it or have tried my other suggestions already and still feel “stuck”, get help from a certified Intuitive Eating professional. Refer to the certified counselors on the Intuitive Eating website. Keep in mind that many of the counselors offer remote sessions, so if you don’t find someone in your area, remote sessions are another option.

Intuitive Eating has given me the freedom I’d craved for decades while I was dieting. I believe that with the proper support in place, anyone can experience this freedom in their own lives. By sprinkling more self-compassion into every day; trying out my tips and others that resonate with you; and paying close attention to the subtle changes in your behavior, you’ll begin to experience changes. Remember to take time to acknowledge your daily efforts and your bravery because this is not easy! I’m confident that food freedom is on its way to you!