Most of us know that self-care is wonderful and necessary. It's an opportunity to take care of our emotional, physical, and spiritual needs so we can feel recharged and renewed even if only for a little while. However, what if self-care served a greater purpose?
In terms of healing from negative body image, which is often coupled with a strong lack of self-worth, self-care plays a significant role that I'd not considered until I did a mentorship with Summer Innanen this past summer.
Has it occurred to you that every time you engage in some kind of self-care, you are sending a message to your brain that you matter? It can be the cushy kind of self-care like a mani/pedi or it can be the not so cushy kind like setting a boundary with a family member or saying "no" to an invitation that just doesn't safe for you right now.
Self-care is important for all the reasons already mentioned. However, in terms of uncoupling the way we look from our self-worth, it’s very useful. That’s because every time we engage in self-care, we are also making a deposit in our Bank of Self-Worth. Sadly, because our culture is so obsessed with smaller, younger, fit, able, white, bodies, it's important that we consciously make these deposits in our Bank of Self-Worth because they help to counter these persistent and invasive messages. This isn’t an invitation to stress ourselves out when we're not able to engage in as much self-care as possible, but the idea is to be more conscious that our bodies usually perform and feel better when we’re more intentional about it.
Although they are helpful, listening to podcasts, repeating mantras, and belonging to anti-diet groups, etc. promotes a sense of belonging, being very intentional about making these self-worth deposits is what will really make the difference in healing negative body image and healing from dieting/restriction. Why? Because engaging in self-care is saying that you're good enough through your actions.
Making these deposits begins to dilute the toxic messaging that the way we look determines our value because most know intellectually that it doesn't. Now we just need to keep reinforcing this belief in our bodies because that's where the feelings reside. After all, getting out of our heads and leaning into these feelings in our bodies is how we heal.
Although I've been successfully helping my clients navigate negative body image for nearly ten years, this mentorship gave me new step-by-step frameworks and tools that I'm loving sharing with my clients because their shifts have been significant!
Ready to fast-track your body image recovery? Tap the Let’s Connect button below to schedule your free 20-minute connection call.
You don't have to do this alone.
8 Tips to Help Manage Emotional Fatigue During Tumultuous Times
f you're anything like me, you've felt like you've been on an emotional roller coaster since March. Let's break this down for a minute. First it was COVID-19 and all that came along with that. Now it's the justifiable protests over the George Floyd murder. And, if all of that isn't enough, we are all starting to come out of our 10 week-ish hibernation from the horrific COVID-19. Wow, right?!
Would you agree that there is a lot going on right now?
For the first time in many weeks, I woke up on Monday morning feeling emotionally depleted.
When I reflected on my week, I realized that I was putting more effort into my reflection work, learning and researching than I was into my self-care. I now see that if I want to feel better and remain sane, something has to change. In an effort to right the wrongs in the world, I was trying to consume lots of information in a short period of time. I was reminded that this isn't a race but a marathon with no official finish line.
This applies to our intuitive eating practices too! If we remain open and honest with ourselves, we can always be in a place of learning. As we grow and age, we will always have new things to explore about our bodies and about our eating practices because growth and age change us, and they are supposed to. Staying open to this concept is what makes acceptance possible.
Now more than ever self-care must take a front seat. As @glowmaven said so well, "Self-care is critical to restore ourselves and to move past survival mode and into thrive mode." As humans, there is a lot coming at all of us all the time! The way to shield ourselves from it so we don't feel depleted is to ensure our self-care "batteries" are continually being charged. I'm sharing a few tips to help make this easier:
Create boundaries around social media and the news
If you're one who is easily sucked into the social media vortex (which I am guilty of sometimes!), literally set up time parameters around it. To help with this, set timers on your cell phone that cue you to get off Facebook or _________ (insert social media or news cast here) once the timer goes off. And no snoozing the alarm! If you have a timer on your oven or a standalone timer, you can set that timer for X number of minutes. I like this idea because it forces you to get out of your seat to turn it off!
Keep asking your body what it needs
This is always imperative to thriving with your intuitive eating practice and with your body image work. It's not possible to improve your relationship with food or with your body if you don't know what it needs So, if you need to set timers on your phone to remind yourself to do a quick body scan to check in with yourself, do it. Over time, this will become more organic so you may not need the reminders so much or at all going forward.
Lean into the emotional discomfort with more self-compassion
In regard to the #BLM movement, many of us are realizing that things that we've been doing or saying have possibly been hurting others. Heck, as a Brown, middle-aged woman who has been active in social justice circles (and this work is social justice minded) for a while now, I still have and always will have biases which are normal and part of the human condition. Guess what, you do too. This is hard to swallow but it's necessary in order to grow, move forward and hopefully be a better ally and role model for others. The way to manage this is to load up on the self-compassion and forgive yourself because that's the only way to remain open and avoid spiraling into a shame and blame cycle.
Go at your own pace and beware of comparing
This is always good advice and applies to intuitive eating, body image work, social justice work, etc. We all have our unique journeys with incredibly unique circumstances. And, in all of that, some also have trauma that they are trying to understand and heal. All that affects our ability to learn, cope and respond in an effective manner. So, go easy on yourself and do your best not to compare your journey to anyone else's now or ever.
Step away when you need to
Give yourself permission to step away from anything that is causing you anxiety, making you lose sleep, or affecting your mental health, etc. I don't think that means you need to step away from anything that makes you uncomfortable, but it does mean that instead of internalizing it, you can get curious about it instead. However, you are in charge of your body and you have to do what you feel called to do. If you find yourself retreating more than you'd like to, I invite you to consider the reasons why because I believe that's likely where the growth opportunity is.
Take a break to laugh!
Now that things are loosening up and many states and countries are allowing some small gatherings, if you're comfortable going out, try to make time to be with loved ones and friends that lift you up. This is a great way to recharge your battery so you can keep being the fabulous person you are. Also, on a side note, I just discovered TikTok and when I need a giggle break, that's where I go for a good laugh!Do your part and trust that it is enough
Be realistic and acknowledge that there is only so much one person can do. Imagine how we could all benefit if everyone did just a little bit to acknowledge their privilege, biases, etc. ? The point is that what may seem “little” will add up and ripple throughout. If we believe that the “little” we are doing isn’t “enough” we may retreat and do nothing. I’m sure you would agree that’s not the answer. So, do what you can when you can and remain open to what is being presented to you. If it shows up for you, consider that it may be an invitation from the universe to look more closely. Refer back to tip #5 above for more on this.
Hang out with us for support
If you're not already part of my online Facebook community, join the No-Diet Sisterhood and follow me on Instagram. There is so much to learn on social media if it's managed properly (refer back to tip #1 above).
Your turn...
How are you doing with the recent events?
Has your self-care suffered during COVID and over the past two weeks?
Wherever you are and whatever you're feeling, I sincerely hope that some of these tips are useful for you.
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What Would Be in Your Self-Love Cocktail?
For the past 13 days, I've been facilitating my 14-Day Self-Love Challenge (click to join). Sadly, many struggle to feel worthy and lovable. I understand this because I used to feel similarly. For me, it's been a long, slow process with many twists and turns, but one that's been worth every moment of discomfort. Facilitating this challenge has gotten me to think a lot about self-love and how it eludes so many.
The important thing to understand is that self-love is not an event. Self-love is a series of mini-events or activities that slowly begin to increase our self-love "tank". Maintaining a self-love practice is a continuous process that never ends. As we know, sometimes old habits resurface. For long-term success, we must be consistent, committed and deliberate.
I love this image from @EatPrayFML because it illustrates some of the things that can be used to make a yummy self-love "cocktail". While some or none of the activities may appeal to you, I'm sure you have a host of other activities that you'd use to make your own self-love cocktail.
While my clients often come to me to help them dismantle the challenges their disordered eating and body dissatisfaction is causing them, when we get beneath it all, we begin to see that their eating difficulties often stem from a lack of self-love (which includes self-care), low self-worth, and the inability to establish boundaries with themselves and others among other things.
When we give ourselves permission to make ourselves a priority in our own lives, amazing things can happen! When we don't, we often suffer and don't live our lives to the fullest. Can you relate? I know I can relate to this, even with decades of personal development work, thousands spent on professional training, and life experiences I've had.
However, when we build up our self-love tank we put ourselves first, living more fulfilling and joyful lives that are aligned with our personal values. That's when we really begin to develop into the fully evolved people we were meant to be!
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, so it seems like a perfect perfect time to think about what would go into your self-love cocktail.
If you had to guess, which "ingredients" would be contained in your self-love cocktail?
What are the things that make you feel nourished (or you think could), rejuvenate you and allow you to feel like your needs matter?
Once you've decided, ask yourself what is preventing you from getting these ingredients.
Is it time?
Is it resources?
Is it self-sabotage?
Do you not feel worthy and deserving?
Are you putting other people's needs before your own?
Do you not know because you're so disconnected from your body or from knowing what it needs?
Whatever the reason is, it's okay. I assure you that you're not the only one who has difficulty figuring this kind of thing out. In fact, that's one of the reasons why people hire me!
Wherever you are in your journey, please know that it's where you need to be right now. That doesn't mean that you need to stay there or that it's not possible for you to move from there. It simply means that you accept it. Remember, acceptance doesn't mean giving up. It simply means you're at peace with what is.
Valentine's Day is when we celebrate LOVE. Love for others and love for ourselves. That is the piece that many forget. I hope this love note helps you to remember this.
If no one has told you lately...
You are worthy and deserving of love from others and from yourself.
Happy Valentine's Day to the beautiful and amazing you!
Join the discussion in the No-Diet Sisterhood on Facebook.
Want more? Read about the Self-Love Diet
Why New Year's Resolutions Could Be Doing More Harm Than Good and What to Do Instead
Photo credit: Live Happy Magazine
Starting a new year is always filled with so much hope and promise. I love the idea of a fresh start, but the notion that we need to “repent” for enjoying many of the holiday “extras” hasn’t been appealing to me for many years now.
I think it’s important to remember that even though this is the most popular time of year to re-evaluate our lives, we can give ourselves permission to begin anew any time of the year. Whenever we recognize something in our lives that doesn’t make us feel our best or that no longer serves us, we can decide to do something to change that.
But, once we acknowledge the changes we wish to make, what do we do next? This is when most people start to create resolutions, but I’m going to suggest that intentions be created instead.
How do intentions differ from resolutions?
Dr. Wayne Dyer defines an intention as “a strong purpose or aim, accompanied by a determination to produce a desired result.”
An intention is something you aim to achieve. Intentions have a purpose and are something that you actively work to manifest in your life over time leaving room for “hiccups” and self-reflection along the way.
What I like most about intentions, is that when we establish them, we’re not coming from a place of lack. We know that we’re already “enough” as we are and that’s always a healthy place to begin. This allows us to move forward without having an attachment to the outcome or self-judgment. Intentions are more about the journey and what we learn in the process. Instead of looking to “fix”, we’re intending to fine tune.
A resolution is relatively simple: it either is or is not, it sticks, or it doesn’t.
Resolutions don’t come with much wiggle room. Because of their nature, they often leave us feeling guilty, make us feel lazy (or unfocused, undisciplined, etc.) and lead to a cycle of negative thinking. All this negativity eventually dissolves the resolution and makes us feel worse in the long run. And, unlike intentions, resolutions are generally made from a place of lack and make us feel that we aren’t “good” enough the way we are. They imply that in order to be enough, we must change. This kind of thinking erodes our self-esteem and keeps us from achieving sustainable changes.
I know you may be thinking that setting intentions are too gentle, lenient, and won’t bring about change. I understand why you might believe that. After all, we live in a “no pain, no gain” kind of society! However, I urge you to think about how being hard on yourself and making unrealistic resolutions in the past has served you.
The truth is that in order to usher in healthy, sustainable changes in our lives, we need to begin looking at our patterns and behaviors with self-compassion, kindness, and curiosity.
Doing this allows us to loosen our grip and create space, so we can see opportunities to do things differently. It also helps us to recognize what may be fueling these behaviors in the first place. Once we loosen that grip and do so without judgment (or at least with minimal judgment), opportunities for change begin to present themselves. This is how we can make changes that make us feel good without all the negativity and spiraling lack of self-worth. This is why setting intentions instead of resolutions is a good idea.
Patience, flexibility, and self-compassion need to be your co-pilots during the change process because that is what will help to minimize stress and anxiety which enables our brains to function optimally. When we are operating from this relaxed and open space, we are bound to have more positive outcomes.
Now that you know the difference between resolutions and intentions, which intentions will you create this year?
Remember that change generally happens in phases and not all at once. So, look for small, subtle shifts instead of big, broad strokes.
Cheers to a satisfying and intention filled year!
If you're tired of battling with your weight, fed up with the cycle of yo-yo dieting, and yearning to be free from your obsessive thinking about food and your body, schedule your complimentary Embrace Anti-Diet Living Connection Session.
We’ll get clear on where you are now, what you want instead, and what might be getting in the way of your success.
I’ll also share some powerful recommendations and resources to get you started on creating a peaceful relationship with your body and food.
Measuring Progress without the Scale
The other day I was asked how I measure my clients progress without using the scale. I thought this was such a great question, especially for anyone who is considering practicing Intuitive Eating. The truth is, unlike dieting, with Intuitive Eating, progress isn’t measured by numbers (although metabolic health ranges may improve as a byproduct of better self-care). In fact, focusing on numbers like weight, inches lost/added or number of times eaten hinders the healing process. If you’re struggling in your relationship with food and have decided to start practicing Intuitive Eating, there are several indicators that show your progress without ever stepping on a scale, counting a calorie, ‘point’ or measuring your waist!
1. Hunger/fullness — You’re allowing yourself to unconditionally eat (mostly when hungry, but sometimes just because you want to) and not just basing your meals/snacks on the time of day and/or the number of hours between meals/snacks. Also, you’re becoming more aware when you’re feeling full and are usually able to stop eating based on these signals.
2. Reduced stress/anxiety — You enjoy your food with a noticeable difference in how you feel when you’re preparing it, eating it and feeling after eating it. In the past certain foods may have left you wanting more and possibly even obsessing over that but when you’ve begun to make peace with food, that stress around food often dissipates. This certainly doesn’t happen overnight, but eventually white knuckling around food will be a faint memory.
3. Digestion matters — Many who consistently eat foods that don’t agree with their digestive systems are often not tuned in to how certain foods or combinations of foods make them feel. Becoming aware of this is a huge part of the Intuitive Eating process. For some, becoming more observant about their food choices and/or food combinations is important. This may be difficult in the initial stages of Intuitive Eating, but over time, it usually becomes easier to discern this. Supplements may also be needed to help with this.
4. More variety — For those who have religiously restricted foods high in calories, fat, or carbs often limit the types of foods they’ll eat. They do this because they fear they’ll go ‘overboard’ and not be able to stop eating once they start. They are often terrified of weight gain. This is very common and can sometimes keep people in a rut with their food and often stagnates or prevents healing. Being open to and then noticing that you’re allowing a variety of foods in your diet and that you eat these foods without (or with reduced) anxiety or fear is huge growth!
5. Stop labeling and judging– You’ve stopped labeling food as “good” vs. “bad” or “healthy” vs. “unhealthy”. Labels like these create a lot of guilt around food choices and, over time, chip away at self-esteem. Labeling foods also causes us to have a moral attachment to foods. This attachment makes it impossible to notice the satisfaction level of the food and how you’ll feel physically and emotionally after eating it. Without this knowledge, foods will continue to be seen from the standpoint of calories, fat grams, carbs, etc. which is still dieting. Once you’re able to get past your judgments about food, the food choices usually become more nutritionally balanced.
6. Less preoccupation — Instead of being consistently preoccupied over what to eat, how much to eat, when to eat it, etc. you can simply be mindful and enjoy what you’re eating! While it’s certainly acceptable to give thought to food and the enjoyment of it, doing so in an unbalanced/obsessive manner isn’t healthy. When the food obsession diminishes, there is more time to enjoy life!
7. Move for fun not punishment — It’s amazing what happens when the focal point of exercise isn’t on the number of calories burned, but on how the movement makes your body feel. When your criteria for choosing movement is based on how it makes you feel rather than on the number of calories that will be burned or the number of steps you walked, you can choose movement that you’ll enjoy and likely do consistently. Engaging in consistent movement is important for metabolic health (blood pressure, blood cholesterol, sugar), managing stress, bone health, and emotional well being.
8. Stop food extremes — You know you’re well on your way to food freedom once you’ve stopped going to food extremes like forbidding refined sugar, carbs, fats or high calorie foods. When you’ve gotten to a place where you recognize that all foods can be enjoyed in moderation (which is different for everyone) and without all the guilt, this is a great sign! Once you’ve begun to see that all foods (barring a food allergy or sensitivity) can be enjoyed without the sky falling or the nasty food police always judging every morsel of food that crosses your lips, you’re on your way to achieving food freedom!
So, the next time you’re wondering if your Intuitive Eating efforts are “paying off”, I hope you’ll consider these non-numeric benchmarks. Remember, being an Intuitive Eater is not about being “perfect” around food. In fact, it’s just the opposite. Intuitive Eating is about allowing ourselves to be more flexible around food while allowing our bodies to guide us. When we’re ‘tuned in’ to what our bodies need instead of focusing on numbers, food freedom and body acceptance is possible!
If you're tired of battling with your weight, fed up with the cycle of yo-yo dieting, and yearning to be free from your obsessive thinking about food and your body, schedule your complimentary Embrace Anti-Diet Living Connection Session.
We’ll get clear on where you are now, what you want instead, and what might be getting in the way of your success.
I’ll also share some powerful recommendations and resources to get you started on creating a peaceful relationship with your body and food.
How To Set Anti-Diet Holiday Boundaries With Ease
I know many are gearing up for the holidays and maybe excited about seeing family, eating once-a-year dishes that they love, and having time off from work. It can be a fun and exhilarating time of year but it can also be stressful in some ways too because diet talk is often on the rise. It can especially be tough for anyone whose body may have changed since they've last seen family or certain friends.
If you're searching for a tool to help you navigate these exhausting, boring conversations and/or shut down any comments about your body (or anyone else's body), the best way to do that is by establishing healthy boundaries.
First, let's define what a boundary is.
A boundary is a guideline, rule or limit that you create to help others know how to treat you. It tells them what you will or will not accept and may offer consequences when someone doesn't honor them.
Since so many people are in the constant habit of evangelizing about their diets, what foods are "good" vs. "bad", commenting negatively about their bodies, etc., these conversations could negatively affect your recovery, establishing healthy boundaries around these topics is about self-care.
I know from coaching my clients that establishing boundaries isn't easy, especially with family! In full transparency, I sometimes struggle with establishing boundaries in other areas of my life too so I get why it's a struggle. This is big girl panty stuff for sure!!
Picture this typical scenario:
At your holiday dinner table, family and friends are continually talking about how much weight they're expecting to gain from now until January because of all the cookies they've been eating at work, at the hair salon, etc.
You realize you're triggered by this kind of talk and start to feel uneasy. What you could do...
1. Get in touch with what you need and decide if you are willing to speak up.
2. Take a deep breath and set the boundary by asking that we don't talk about diets, weight gain, our bodies while eating because you just want to enjoy your meal. Unfortunately, they don't honor it and you continue to hear food and diet comments at the table. So you...
3. Repeat your boundary but this time say it with a consequence.
So, for example, you could say something like... "I'm very uncomfortable with this conversation. I've asked that we don't speak of these things over dinner and no one listened to me. If it continues, I will have to get up from the family dinner table and eat in the kitchen alone."
If they still don't honor your boundary, move on to step 4.
4. Follow through with the consequence.
Keep in mind that the consequence must be something you're willing to do. So, if you're not willing to leave the table, don't make that your consequence. Be honest and real with yourself and with those you're establishing the boundaries with. If you don't, people will likely not honor them now or in the future.
While some people are very good at reading body language or are naturally intuitive, many, especially around the topic of diet and body image, have no clue how their constant talk and commenting/berating can affect someone. The risk is quite high if you don't speak up for yourself. Plus, wouldn't you want to know if something you were saying or doing was negatively affecting someone else?
To be honest, people may get their feathers ruffled when a boundary is set, but that doesn't mean that doing so is wrong or shouldn't be done. Remember, every time you reinforce a boundary, it gets stronger and so will you!
I do not doubt that you've come far in your diet recovery journey. Give yourself permission to speak up for yourself and curate an environment that will help you continue to thrive and grow!
You deserve to enjoy your holidays (and any other time of year) without incessant diet talk, food policing, and body commenting.
Remember, it's okay if you decide not to set a boundary. However, consider how not doing so may be affecting your relationship with food and body if you don't. Whatever you decide, be compassionate with yourself. Establishing boundaries isn't easy, but it's necessary if we want to have our needs met more often.
If you'd like to talk more about this, join the conversation in my No-Diet Sisterhood Facebook group or drop a comment below.
This love note was inspired by Michelle Elman @ScarredNotScared.