Top 5 Reasons Practicing Self-Compassion Is So Hard for Ex-Dieters

Healing body, food, and movement relationships are nuanced. However, one of the things that I can honestly say all my clients struggle to embrace is self-compassion. 

Renowned self-compassion researcher, Dr. Kristin Neff, defines self-compassion as the act of turning compassion inward. Compassion is the ability we all have to show empathy, love, and concern to those who may be experiencing difficulties. Many of us are compassionate toward others but struggle to do this consistently with ourselves.

For many, practicing self-compassion is like learning a new language. It's hard, clunky, and doesn't come naturally. I know I felt that way when I first started to develop my self-compassion practice! 

Cultivating a self-compassion practice is essential for healing because it helps us meet ourselves where we are without judgment. This journey has many ups and downs and without kindness, empathy, and forgiveness it would be nearly impossible to experience the many benefits of healing. 

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion allows us to be kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings. So when we repeatedly eat past fullness, aren't engaging in consistent movement even though we know our bodies crave it, and aren't making self-care a priority, we can give ourselves support and encouragement rather than being unkind and judgmental. 

Over the years many clients have shared why they struggle with self-compassion. I'm sharing some of these reasons here.

1. Blame game - Even though many have read the books, listened to well-known anti-diet podcasts, and been at this for a while, they still blame themselves for their bodies changing, especially if they have gained weight since they quit dieting.

2. Modeling - Self-compassion wasn't modeled for them when they were growing up so practicing it doesn't come naturally to them. While self-compassion isn't something new, there wasn't as much emphasis on it in years past. If you're over 50, I'm sure you'd agree that 'tough love' was a more popular approach in our formative years.

3. Fear - Many fear that if they're 'too' self-compassionate they'll become 'lazy', self-indulgent, undisciplined, and unproductive. They’re afraid if they’re too soft on themselves, they’ll let themselves get away with anything. If you live in the U.S. you know that our country is obsessed with 'producing' and 'to-do' lists so stepping away from this model is not easy. This can be especially challenging for those who tie their self-worth to their to-do lists too!

4. Resistance - Studies show that there is often resistance to learning new things, especially when it benefits our personal growth. That's because the subconscious mind is very powerful and when we attempt to break up its normal patterns, there will be pushback!

5. Conditioning - Many are still conditioned to believe they should be 'strong' and maintain a “stiff upper lip” mentality even when they are in pain or experiencing discomfort. This is especially true for women who don't want to be accused of being 'high maintenance' or 'too much'.

Research undeniably shows that self-compassion enhances motivation, decreases depression and anxiety, decreases fear of failure, and encourages people to set personal goals because they know when they make mistakes they'll be met with kindness rather than criticism.

Now can you see how important self-compassion can be in this journey? 

You may be saying, "Yeah, that's all fine and good but it's still hard to practice it!" 

If that sounds like you, I'm not disagreeing with you! I KNOW it's not easy, however, it is still possible. Most if not all of my clients never imagined they'd be able to stop/diminish their habitual self-criticism but after coaching they were able to confidently begin dismantling their blame, fear, resistance, and conditioning to create new lives for themselves. It is truly amazing what happens when we are given a non-judgmental space to share and safely rebuild our beliefs. 

Do you struggle with self-compassion? If you do, know that you're not alone and you don't have to do this alone. 

What Diet Culture Gets Wrong About Maintaining Nourishing Habits

Do you feel like a failure when you fall out of a nourishing habit?

So often people like failures when they realize they’ve slipped out of a nourishing habit(s). Many of my clients often feel frustrated and even bewildered by this. They know what makes them feel their best, but for some reason, they just aren’t doing it or aren't doing it with regularity. Following the frustration and bewilderment are also feelings of guilt, shame, and often, further inaction.⁣

While I know first-hand how disappointing this can be, I have a provocative proposition for you. What if instead of continuing to focus on what you’re not doing, you acknowledged that it’s an opportunity to recommit instead?

Healing a relationship with food, body, and movement is about moving closer to the people we are meant to be. It's also about remaining flexible instead of rigid so we can evolve and flourish. Keeping your heart open and acknowledging that habits elude us for a variety of reasons like

• They're no longer nourishing us because we've outgrown them

• Realizing expectations were set too high so they were not sustainable

• Acknowledging that different types of self-care and/or boundary setting is needed

is essential for sustainable change.

Whatever the reason, these are opportunities to reevaluate, ask your body what it needs at this time, and then compassionately and non-judgmentally recommit to yourself again.

Diet culture preaches that we need to be "disciplined" and "accountable". While these qualities can be helpful in fostering change, when they are used as weapons to keep us "on the wagon", they're often counterproductive! This is especially true with movement which is why I created my Joyful Movement at Last! program.

As always, taking the compassionate approach is advised not just because it feels better but because research shows it's more effective in creating sustainable change. To me, that's what a recommitment is. It's a gentle way to start over by reassessing your needs and realigning them with your core values.
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Understanding that making adjustments along the way is a necessary part of the healing process is essential for success. Doing this will help to cultivate and strengthen your habits to meet your ever-changing needs.

What nourishing habit would you like to recommit to?

Remember, you don't have to do this alone. Let’s have a conversation so you understand how coaching can support you in your healing journey.

8 Tips to Help Manage Emotional Fatigue During Tumultuous Times

f you're anything like me, you've felt like you've been on an emotional roller coaster since March. Let's break this down for a minute. First it was COVID-19 and all that came along with that. Now it's the justifiable protests over the George Floyd murder. And, if all of that isn't enough, we are all starting to come out of our 10 week-ish hibernation from the horrific COVID-19. Wow, right?! 

Would you agree that there is a lot going on right now?

For the first time in many weeks, I woke up on Monday morning feeling emotionally depleted. 

When I reflected on my week, I realized that I was putting more effort into my reflection work, learning and researching than I was into my self-care. I now see that if I want to feel better and remain sane, something has to change. In an effort to right the wrongs in the world, I was trying to consume lots of information in a short period of time. I was reminded that this isn't a race but a marathon with no official finish line. 

This applies to our intuitive eating practices too! If we remain open and honest with ourselves, we can always be in a place of learning. As we grow and age, we will always have new things to explore about our bodies and about our eating practices because growth and age change us, and they are supposed to. Staying open to this concept is what makes acceptance possible. 

Now more than ever self-care must take a front seat. As @glowmaven said so well, "Self-care is critical to restore ourselves and to move past survival mode and into thrive mode." As humans, there is a lot coming at all of us all the time! The way to shield ourselves from it so we don't feel depleted is to ensure our self-care "batteries" are continually being charged. I'm sharing a few tips to help make this easier:

1. Create boundaries around social media and the news 
   If you're one who is easily sucked into the social media vortex (which I am guilty of sometimes!), literally set up time parameters around it. To help with this, set timers on your cell phone that cue you to get off Facebook or _________ (insert social media or news cast here) once the timer goes off. And no snoozing the alarm! If you have a timer on your oven or a standalone timer, you can set that timer for X number of minutes. I like this idea because it forces you to get out of your seat to turn it off! 
    

2. Keep asking your body what it needs
   This is always imperative to thriving with your intuitive eating practice and with your body image work. It's not possible to improve your relationship with food or with your body if you don't know what it needs So, if you need to set timers on your phone to remind yourself to do a quick body scan to check in with yourself, do it. Over time, this will become more organic so you may not need the reminders so much or at all going forward.
    

3. Lean into the emotional discomfort with more self-compassion
   In regard to the #BLM movement, many of us are realizing that things that we've been doing or saying have possibly been hurting others. Heck, as a Brown, middle-aged woman who has been active in social justice circles (and this work is social justice minded) for a while now, I still have and always will have biases which are normal and part of the human condition. Guess what, you do too. This is hard to swallow but it's necessary in order to grow, move forward and hopefully be a better ally and role model for others. The way to manage this is to load up on the self-compassion and forgive yourself because that's the only way to remain open and avoid spiraling into a shame and blame cycle. 
    

4. Go at your own pace and beware of comparing
   This is always good advice and applies to intuitive eating, body image work, social justice work, etc. We all have our unique journeys with incredibly unique circumstances. And, in all of that, some also have trauma that they are trying to understand and heal. All that affects our ability to learn, cope and respond in an effective manner. So, go easy on yourself and do your best not to compare your journey to anyone else's now or ever. 
    

5. Step away when you need to
   Give yourself permission to step away from anything that is causing you anxiety, making you lose sleep, or affecting your mental health, etc. I don't think that means you need to step away from anything that makes you uncomfortable, but it does mean that instead of internalizing it, you can get curious about it instead. However, you are in charge of your body and you have to do what you feel called to do. If you find yourself retreating more than you'd like to, I invite you to consider the reasons why because I believe that's likely where the growth opportunity is. 
    

6. Take a break to laugh!
   Now that things are loosening up and many states and countries are allowing some small gatherings, if you're comfortable going out, try to make time to be with loved ones and friends that lift you up. This is a great way to recharge your battery so you can keep being the fabulous person you are. Also, on a side note, I just discovered TikTok and when I need a giggle break, that's where I go for a good laugh! 

7. Do your part and trust that it is enough
   Be realistic and acknowledge that there is only so much one person can do. Imagine how we could all benefit if everyone did just a little bit to acknowledge their privilege, biases, etc. ? The point is that what may seem “little” will add up and ripple throughout. If we believe that the “little” we are doing isn’t “enough” we may retreat and do nothing. I’m sure you would agree that’s not the answer. So, do what you can when you can and remain open to what is being presented to you. If it shows up for you, consider that it may be an invitation from the universe to look more closely. Refer back to tip #5 above for more on this.
    

8. Hang out with us for support
   If you're not already part of my online Facebook community, join the No-Diet Sisterhood and follow me on Instagram. There is so much to learn on social media if it's managed properly (refer back to tip #1 above).

Your turn...
How are you doing with the recent events?
Has your self-care suffered during COVID and over the past two weeks?

Wherever you are and whatever you're feeling, I sincerely hope that some of these tips are useful for you. 

Was this message helpful? 
If you appreciate the work that I do, you can support my ability to do more of it by making a one-time donation or a recurring donation. I also accept Venmo payments @AntidietCoach. Thank you in advance for your support. 

What We Don’t Need During This Pandemic

I've seen sh*t everywhere about eating and weight gain due to this crisis. Memes about eating X instead of Y to avoid weight gain. Or fear mongering about eating "too" much sugar... blah, blah, etc. In addition, many are worried that they’re eating to comfort themselves (aka “emotionally” eating) too often. Others are out of sorts because they cannot go to their gym to workout. I also understand that some may want to try to control their food because that's all they feel they can control during this pandemic. Please know that I understand and appreciate all of these fears. While these fears are expected because the world is obsessed with weight and staying "in shape", it doesn't help anyone, especially those recovering from disordered eating or from an eating disorder. 

While these messages are sometimes meant to be funny or "helpful", they could be hindering your recovery in the following ways:

1) They reinforce the belief that weight gain and fat are bad which perpetuates fatphobia and weight stigma.

2) They reinforce the diet culture message that our value, attractiveness and health are tied to our weight which isn't true. 

3) They reinforce that there is a "right" way to grieve which doesn't allow us the grace and space to go inward to discern what our individual needs are. 

Please allow yourself the space you need to get through this crisis without ruminating on the fears of weight gain because the gym is closed or because you're cooped up inside eating more "comfort" foods than you're comfortable with.⁣
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We're all in a "do what you gotta do" mode and we needn't feel ashamed or embarrassed about it, ever. There is nothing wrong with finding comfort in eating, lying around being "unproductive", crying or anything else you may need to be doing right now. ⁣In terms of your food and body image are concerned, whatever you're choosing is okay and there needn't be any judgment around it. We need to remember that while we don’t know exactly when this will end, we do know that it won’t last forever.
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Our jobs right now are to:

• Follow the safety and CDC guidelines in our respective areas 

• Be kind and compassionate to ourselves and others

• Have intense gratitude that we're alive 

• Find opportunities and/or use our gifts in the midst of the rubble to help ourselves and others get through this safely

That is the only way the world is going to heal from this. ⁣

Now more than ever, we need to keep trusting and listening to our bodies because they are in shock and need us to care for them. We need to trust that whatever we're doing is what we need to do to survive this.

If this is you...

If you're struggling and are noticing you're counting carbs, points, compulsively exercising, or restricting in any other way, I urge you to be curious instead of judgmental. If you know it's not what you want to do but you don't have the proper support in place to change your behavior, please schedule a connection call with me. We can schedule a private session(s) to talk through it and get you back on track with your intuitive eating practice. We can even schedule a meal support session if you're feeling shaky eating on your own. 

When things settle down, and they will eventually, we'll all get back to our lives and be so proud that we allowed ourselves to do whatever was necessary to thrive during this unprecedented time in all of our lives. 

Before you go…I'm cooking up something great to help support my followers who are struggling with food, body image and catastrophic thinking during this crisis. Please respond to a short 3-question survey so I know what you need. I will have more information including payment details and expected outcomes for you asap! 
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Does a Lack of Self-Love and "Ob*sity" Cause Disease? - A Love Letter to Jillian Michaels

As usual, it's January and the dieting industry is in full swing promoting their diets, "lifestyles", detoxes and whatever else they call their intentional weight loss crap. Remember, research indicates that intentional weight loss, regardless of what your weight, is not sustainable long-term. 

Today, I want to talk about the concept that self-love can help us control our weight and possibly prevent illness.

I'll admit that years ago I used to believe that BS too because that's all I ever heard so, naturally, I believed it. I no longer feel shameful about this though because as I continue to grow as an anti-diet professional, I now understand and acknowledge that weight is a very complex science. I've also learned that all the "self-love" in the world isn't going to make someone who isn't supposed to weigh ______ (insert low weight here) remain at that weight long-term (3-5 years or more) unless they are likely going to extreme measures (like disordered eating or other disordered behaviors and/or engaging in compulsive exercise, etc.) to maintain it. (You can read more about that in my blog Have You Ever Tried a Self-Love Diet?.)

What got me so fired up about this topic again was reading the recent article Jillian Michaels is Being Criticized For Body-Shaming Lizzo where Jillian Michaels talked about self-love as it relates to our health. She says, 

“As I’ve stated repeatedly, we are all beautiful, worthy, and equally deserving. I also feel strongly that we love ourselves enough to acknowledge there are serious health consequences that come with ob*sity - heart disease, diabetes, cancer to name only a few," Michaels wrote. 'I would never wish these for ANYONE and I would hope we prioritize our health because we LOVE ourselves and our bodies.'"

Her words could easily throw someone into a downward spiral of shame and blame and that's never productive, especially for healing. What people struggling with illness need is affordable and accessible medical care (including educational services and resources), compassion, and support, NOT shame or blame. 

Also, to imply that a lack of self-love is what drives illness due to a lack of acknowledgment that it could cause illness is also shaming. I believe what she's saying is that if someone loved themselves enough to acknowledge that fat is what's causing these illnesses, they would lose weight.

I know first-hand how damaging words like these can have on a person in a larger body because many of my clients blame their ailments (from sleep apnea, weak knees, GERD, autoimmune diseases, etc.) on their weight when in fact, all of these ailments can also be found in people at lower weights. Words like this can also be counter-productive because they often scare people back into the never-ending diet-binge cycle which often cause more weight gain.

It also makes the assumption that weight can be controlled and that even if someone is at a higher weight, there is something inherently wrong with that when there isn’t. And, even if weight was the cause for illness, dieting to become thinner has its own potential physical and emotional health risks. Her words are not based on the truth which indicates that weight science is complex.

Many factors including the role of genetics, socioeconomic conditions, previous dieting history, environmental factors, medications, and fat stigma, etc. are all part of these complexities. Sadly, there was no mention of any of these important factors which isn’t surprising, but nonetheless disappointing and fatphobic.

To illustrate this point, remember that her partner from the Biggest Loser show Bob Harper, nearly died from a heart attack in 2017 even though he was extremely fit, appeared to be “healthy”, and maintained a lean body. After his heart attack, he told CNN this, 

"Genetics does play a part in this. I'm a guy who lives a very healthy lifestyle, works out all the time, but there were things going on inside my body that I needed to be more aware of." 

It's also concerning because she's assuming that "ob*sity" (* used because the “O” word is a BMI term and BMI was not intended to measure a person's health) causes these illnesses. Based on the causation vs. correlation theory, illness cannot be directly caused by a person's weight. Lindo Bacon, Ph.D. says it best in the article Fat Is Not the Problem—Fat Stigma Is, 

"It is true that many diseases are more commonly found in heavier people. However, that doesn’t mean that weight itself causes disease. Blaming fatness for heart disease is similar to blaming yellow teeth for lung cancer, rather than considering that smoking might play a role in both." 

The point she and many other diet-promoting, fear-mongering gurus are missing is that people of all weights, shapes, and sizes may fall victim to illness despite what diet culture propagates to us 24/7. None of us need to hear anymore short-sighted, weight stigmatizing "experts" shaming and blaming and offering their one-size-fits-all weight loss and/or “lifestyle” plans. After all, isn’t that what’s been preached for decades with dismal outcomes?

What we do need is a paradigm shift from weight-focused approaches to more sustainable self-care practices that will help people improve their physical, emotional and psychological health without weight cycling, shame, blame, and assumptions.

If you're blaming yourself for a health condition or feeling conflicted because you love the idea of intuitive eating but believe you need to lose weight for "health reasons" (or based on a practitioners medical advice or other fat-shaming), please reach out to me for a complimentary connection call. I can help you by providing support, mindset tips, resources, and helping you to develop individualized and sustainable self-care practices that will likely improve your overall health so you can feel better and live your life joyfully instead of living in fear.

Some journaling prompts to explore:

1. Do you worry that you may contract an illness because of your weight? 

2. Do you blame yourself for any chronic illness you may already have? 

3. If you do blame yourself, how could that be affecting your physical, psychological and emotional health?

4. Where can you soften the edges with self-compassionate so you can focus more on self-care habits instead of self-blame? 

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If you're tired of battling with your weight, fed up with the cycle of yo-yo dieting, and yearning to be free from your obsessive thinking about food and your body, schedule your complimentary Embrace Anti-Diet Living Connection Session.

We’ll get clear on where you are now, what you want instead, and what might be getting in the way of your success.

I’ll also share some powerful recommendations and resources to get you started on creating a peaceful relationship with your body and food.

Why New Year's Resolutions Could Be Doing More Harm Than Good and What to Do Instead

Photo credit: Live Happy Magazine

Starting a new year is always filled with so much hope and promise. I love the idea of a fresh start, but the notion that we need to “repent” for enjoying many of the holiday “extras” hasn’t been appealing to me for many years now.

I think it’s important to remember that even though this is the most popular time of year to re-evaluate our lives, we can give ourselves permission to begin anew any time of the year. Whenever we recognize something in our lives that doesn’t make us feel our best or that no longer serves us, we can decide to do something to change that.

But, once we acknowledge the changes we wish to make, what do we do next? This is when most people start to create resolutions, but I’m going to suggest that intentions be created instead.

How do intentions differ from resolutions?

Dr. Wayne Dyer defines an intention as “a strong purpose or aim, accompanied by a determination to produce a desired result.”

An intention is something you aim to achieve. Intentions have a purpose and are something that you actively work to manifest in your life over time leaving room for “hiccups” and self-reflection along the way.

What I like most about intentions, is that when we establish them, we’re not coming from a place of lack. We know that we’re already “enough” as we are and that’s always a healthy place to begin. This allows us to move forward without having an attachment to the outcome or self-judgment. Intentions are more about the journey and what we learn in the process. Instead of looking to “fix”, we’re intending to fine tune.

A resolution is relatively simple: it either is or is not, it sticks, or it doesn’t.

Resolutions don’t come with much wiggle room. Because of their nature, they often leave us feeling guilty, make us feel lazy (or unfocused, undisciplined, etc.) and lead to a cycle of negative thinking. All this negativity eventually dissolves the resolution and makes us feel worse in the long run. And, unlike intentions, resolutions are generally made from a place of lack and make us feel that we aren’t “good” enough the way we are. They imply that in order to be enough, we must change. This kind of thinking erodes our self-esteem and keeps us from achieving sustainable changes.

I know you may be thinking that setting intentions are too gentle, lenient, and won’t bring about change. I understand why you might believe that. After all, we live in a “no pain, no gain” kind of society! However, I urge you to think about how being hard on yourself and making unrealistic resolutions in the past has served you.

The truth is that in order to usher in healthy, sustainable changes in our lives, we need to begin looking at our patterns and behaviors with self-compassion, kindness, and curiosity.

Doing this allows us to loosen our grip and create space, so we can see opportunities to do things differently. It also helps us to recognize what may be fueling these behaviors in the first place. Once we loosen that grip and do so without judgment (or at least with minimal judgment), opportunities for change begin to present themselves. This is how we can make changes that make us feel good without all the negativity and spiraling lack of self-worth. This is why setting intentions instead of resolutions is a good idea.

Patience, flexibility, and self-compassion need to be your co-pilots during the change process because that is what will help to minimize stress and anxiety which enables our brains to function optimally. When we are operating from this relaxed and open space, we are bound to have more positive outcomes.

Now that you know the difference between resolutions and intentions, which intentions will you create this year? 

Remember that change generally happens in phases and not all at once. So, look for small, subtle shifts instead of big, broad strokes.

Cheers to a satisfying and intention filled year!

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If you're tired of battling with your weight, fed up with the cycle of yo-yo dieting, and yearning to be free from your obsessive thinking about food and your body, schedule your complimentary Embrace Anti-Diet Living Connection Session.

We’ll get clear on where you are now, what you want instead, and what might be getting in the way of your success.

I’ll also share some powerful recommendations and resources to get you started on creating a peaceful relationship with your body and food.