One Simple Way to Create a Loving Relationship with Your Body

I was deeply affected by an Instagram post created by The Body Relationship™ Coach Ivy Felicia that said,

"We are constantly taught and programmed to focus our body size, beauty, and abilities but we often forget that our bodies are working every moment of every day to keep us alive and nourished. At any size, shape, or ability level our body is still doing its best."

I don't know about you, but it made me stop to ponder for a bit.

When was the last time you considered that your body is doing its best?

I agree with Ivy Felicia that most are so caught up in the day-to-day grind of body dissatisfaction and comparisonitis because of the exhausting societal pressures we're all under, it's sometimes easy to forget that our bodies are working hard for us every single day. This is harder for those who suffer from physical, emotional, or mental illnesses.

The truth is that it can be hard to recognize that our bodies are doing their very best when we are focusing solely on how they don't 'measure up' to societal expectations.

When we hyperfocus on our outsides, there will always be dissatisfaction because that's the way we've been conditioned. Sadly, this dissatisfaction often leads to shame, guilt, and often frustration. Can you relate?

What if we shifted our focus to appreciate that our bodies are doing their very best even when we don't always care for them the way we probably could?

I don't know about you, but when I think about my body in these terms, I feel a deep sense of appreciation and gratitude toward it.

We certainly cannot expect our perspective to change overnight, but by consciously choosing to shift our focus from criticism and comparison to appreciation and gratitude we can begin to connect with our bodies in more compassionate and loving ways.

If we come back to this concept over and over, it's likely that subtle shifts will begin to happen over time. That's how this work is...slow and steady.

For many, this is a whole new way of thinking and requires consistent practice, but imagine how our lives could change if we remembered to keep working toward this instead of focusing our energies on the perceived ways our bodies aren't measuring up.

I'm not naïve. I acknowledge that there are many things that will get in the way of this. To name a few, weight stigma, fatphobia, ageism, toxic beliefs, our inner critics, etc. but I still believe it's possible. If I didn't, I wouldn't be so committed to this work and my clients wouldn't experience the shifts that they do.

So, the next time you are comparing and dispairing about your body, I invite you to consider that your body is doing its very best to serve your needs.

Remember, it's okay if you can't do this on your own. I'm here to support you along the way if you need it.

Top 5 Reasons Practicing Self-Compassion Is So Hard for Ex-Dieters

Healing body, food, and movement relationships are nuanced. However, one of the things that I can honestly say all my clients struggle to embrace is self-compassion. 

Renowned self-compassion researcher, Dr. Kristin Neff, defines self-compassion as the act of turning compassion inward. Compassion is the ability we all have to show empathy, love, and concern to those who may be experiencing difficulties. Many of us are compassionate toward others but struggle to do this consistently with ourselves.

For many, practicing self-compassion is like learning a new language. It's hard, clunky, and doesn't come naturally. I know I felt that way when I first started to develop my self-compassion practice! 

Cultivating a self-compassion practice is essential for healing because it helps us meet ourselves where we are without judgment. This journey has many ups and downs and without kindness, empathy, and forgiveness it would be nearly impossible to experience the many benefits of healing. 

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion allows us to be kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings. So when we repeatedly eat past fullness, aren't engaging in consistent movement even though we know our bodies crave it, and aren't making self-care a priority, we can give ourselves support and encouragement rather than being unkind and judgmental. 

Over the years many clients have shared why they struggle with self-compassion. I'm sharing some of these reasons here.

1. Blame game - Even though many have read the books, listened to well-known anti-diet podcasts, and been at this for a while, they still blame themselves for their bodies changing, especially if they have gained weight since they quit dieting.

2. Modeling - Self-compassion wasn't modeled for them when they were growing up so practicing it doesn't come naturally to them. While self-compassion isn't something new, there wasn't as much emphasis on it in years past. If you're over 50, I'm sure you'd agree that 'tough love' was a more popular approach in our formative years.

3. Fear - Many fear that if they're 'too' self-compassionate they'll become 'lazy', self-indulgent, undisciplined, and unproductive. They’re afraid if they’re too soft on themselves, they’ll let themselves get away with anything. If you live in the U.S. you know that our country is obsessed with 'producing' and 'to-do' lists so stepping away from this model is not easy. This can be especially challenging for those who tie their self-worth to their to-do lists too!

4. Resistance - Studies show that there is often resistance to learning new things, especially when it benefits our personal growth. That's because the subconscious mind is very powerful and when we attempt to break up its normal patterns, there will be pushback!

5. Conditioning - Many are still conditioned to believe they should be 'strong' and maintain a “stiff upper lip” mentality even when they are in pain or experiencing discomfort. This is especially true for women who don't want to be accused of being 'high maintenance' or 'too much'.

Research undeniably shows that self-compassion enhances motivation, decreases depression and anxiety, decreases fear of failure, and encourages people to set personal goals because they know when they make mistakes they'll be met with kindness rather than criticism.

Now can you see how important self-compassion can be in this journey? 

You may be saying, "Yeah, that's all fine and good but it's still hard to practice it!" 

If that sounds like you, I'm not disagreeing with you! I KNOW it's not easy, however, it is still possible. Most if not all of my clients never imagined they'd be able to stop/diminish their habitual self-criticism but after coaching they were able to confidently begin dismantling their blame, fear, resistance, and conditioning to create new lives for themselves. It is truly amazing what happens when we are given a non-judgmental space to share and safely rebuild our beliefs. 

Do you struggle with self-compassion? If you do, know that you're not alone and you don't have to do this alone. 

What To Do When the Temptation to Diet Gets Strong

Let’s be honest. There may be days when the desire to return to dieting will be strong. That’s not because you’re doing anything wrong. It’s because unattainable cultural norms around body size, shape, weight, the aging process, etc. often leave us believing that we're lacking in some way.

It's not just the cultural norms that make us feel this way about our bodies either. The reality is that body image is not constant and often wavers based on external factors like your social media consumption/literacy, hunger, sleep, stress, career, loneliness, etc. so it’s natural that the temptation to diet may return on occasion.

Oftentimes the slightest things can impact how we feel about our bodies. For example, stepping on a scale at the doctor's office (which you're not obligated to do but may feel guilted to do), a change in blood work, or clothes shopping can trigger a tailspin of emotions including body shame. 

And even though we now have access to many resources like podcasts, coaching, and body-positive content creators on social media to help shift our mindsets about these things, we all still get 'stuck in the suck' sometimes. This is natural so I think we all need to practice managing our expectations around this to help minimize shame spiraling. 

One thing I often help my clients do when they're stuck in the suck is to remember and reflect on their 'why'. 

So, when they're believing that being in a smaller, thinner, fitter, younger, etc. body is going to solve all their problems, we'll do some somatic work together (like hand over heart and belly, followed by some deep breaths) to help calm their nervous system. 

Once they've come back to their body, I ask them to reflect on why they left dieting behind (my definition of dieting is: prioritizing your food choices and food quantities based on your size, shape, and weight instead of your body's physical and emotional needs) I may ask questions like:

What was your life like when you were dieting?
How did dieting make you feel?
How is your life different now that you're not chasing a number all the time? 
What has giving up the thin ideal given you back? 

If you are just starting out in your journey or feel guilty that you've been at this for some time but still get these urges often, please know that I'm not surprised because diet culture messaging is seductive! 

If your self-care stores are low, your health is waning, you're in midlife, your pants are feeling tighter, or you're feeling vulnerable for any reason, you could easily be tempted to believe that your body, weight or age, etc. is the problem making dieting seem even more enticing. 

Keeping these dieting memories green will help you circle back to the reality that dieting has an approximate long-term success rate of only 5%. That means that approximately 95% of the time, the weight will be regained which studies show may lead to more serious health concerns, increase body dissatisfaction, and increase mental health issues. 

Please remember that while the way we feel about our bodies may naturally vacillate, our worth is constant. 

3 Questions to Ask When Struggling to Accept Your Body

Body acceptance doesn't come easy, especially for midlife women! ⁣After all, midlife women are often faced with divorce, an empty nest, peri/menopause, retirement, caring for aging parents, losing friends and family members, etc. Can you relate? 
⁣
Listening to podcasts, calling a trusted friend, journaling, and connecting online in body-positive spaces can all be helpful strategies but they aren't always available or appealing to us in moments of discomfort. 

When negative thoughts surface about our bodies we need to be intentional about how we respond to them. One way to do this is with self-inquiry.

Self-inquiry helps to create a pause so we can begin exploring what may be going on beneath the "I feel ___________ (fat, old, lazy, washed up, etc.)." language. Self-inquiry also helps us to understand our experiences in new ways, develop new behaviors, and possibly recognize our blind spots. ⁣

Inquiry is a tool I often use during coaching sessions to help my clients gently excavate unhelpful beliefs that are keeping them from moving forward. In fact, some of the biggest "a-ha" moments my clients experience happen when I ask thought-provoking questions like some of the ones I'm sharing with you.

The great news about self-inquiry is that it's available to us all the time. 

The next time you are struggling with body acceptance, consider asking yourself one or a few of these questions and see what happens. I have a lot more questions (and some come to me at the moment) that I use but these will give you some idea of what I'm talking about so you can get started. Of course, it's best when these questions are asked in a compassionate, curious manner instead of with a judgy or condemning voice. 

What criteria are you evaluating yourself against?
What meaning are you attaching to your size/weight/age?
Since you cannot control your body, what else can you control that is within your reach? 

I use self-inquiry often and it works wonders for me! If you are already using self-inquiry but you are still bogged down with frequent negative thoughts about your body, aging, movement for mobility, etc. schedule time with me. This journey wasn't meant to be done alone. Support may be the missing piece you need to get over the hump.  

#1 Tip To Stop Cringing When Seeing Yourself in Pictures

There should be a comment bubble in this image saying, 'Is that how I really look?'

Countless times I've heard clients say this out loud when they see themselves in pictures. In full transparency, even though I've come a long way in neutralizing how I feel about my body, I've said this too! We are all HUMAN so responses like this are expected sometimes. 

For many ex-dieters who've yet to heal their relationships with their bodies, looking at pictures amplifies diet culture thoughts like, 

'My body can't really look like this."  
'Am I really this old?'
'What happened to my body?'
'This intuitive eating thing has gone too far!' 
'I have to fix this.'

Seeing ourselves in pictures puts us in a unique position. When we timidly gaze at ourselves (if we look at all!) in pictures, we become the observer and critical judge rather than the person who lived the experience. So, we naturally shift into objectifying our bodies hence the critical response we experience. 

While a few key things like lighting, clothing, position/angle, etc. could contribute to how we look in pictures, those things are usually not remembered when critical thoughts about the body start amplifying.  

Instead, the picture often becomes a sign that there is something wrong with the body and it needs to be 'fixed'. For some, these critical thoughts have gotten so loud that it stops them from being in pictures altogether. Or they'll trepidly agree to be in pictures but they won't look at them, so they never have to feel the discomfort of looking at their body. 

Sadly, whatever experience was captured at the moment the picture was taken gets eclipsed by criticism and judgment.

How can you feel better about seeing yourself in pictures? 

You may not like what I'm about to say, so brace yourself. 

One of the best ways to start feeling better about seeing your body in pictures is to take more pictures. 

Like neutralizing 'fear' or 'trigger' foods with food habituation (food habituation is a form of neurobiological learning in which repeated eating of the same food causes a decrease in behavioral and physiologic responses (Epstein 2009)) the same concept can be used for picture taking. 

I know that many of you are thinking that I'm nuts! (Ha-ha! I get that a lot!)

If this is you, I hear you and understand why you'd feel this way. After all, why would anyone want to do something that causes so much discomfort?

It's because, like habituation, this is the way to decrease the behavioral and physiologic responses to seeing yourself in pictures. In other words, it helps to neutralize them. 

Because, the truth is, you deserve to capture your experiences in pictures without all the criticism and judgment. 

Keep moving forward by...
Recognizing that any critical thoughts you have about your body are a byproduct of diet culture conditioning and not because you are deficient in any way.

Know that what you see in photos says nothing about who you are as a person.

Know that you can have a different relationship with your body that is built on respect and neutrality instead of loathing and shame.

Do you struggle when you see your body in pictures? Know that you don’t have to do this journey alone.

Despite What We've Been Told, Hunger Isn't a Bad Thing

Yours truly unapologetically savoring a snack in Italy this summer!

Have you ever heard, "Wow, you've got a big appetite!" or "Are you going to eat all that?"

I'm raising my hand because I have!

In fact, some of my most vivid childhood memories are when someone (mainly my mother) commented about how much food I had on my plate. I don't blame her because she was also a victim of diet culture, but nonetheless, I know that it negatively affected my relationship with food. I talk about this in my recent podcast interview with Chris Sandel of Seven Health. 

Comments like these often make us feel shameful and embarrassed about how much food we desire and/or eat. In some cases, comments like this may even lead to rebellious eating. 

Thanks to diet culture, we've been told that honoring our body's hunger cues is problematic. 

Diet culture tells us that:

• Eating is okay when it's only being used for fuel 

• Eating is okay when you only eat as much as you 'need'

• Eating is okay provided you're eating only when you're physically hungry (or else it's considered gluttonous)

• Eating shouldn't be used to help us soothe our emotions

Do you know what messages like this do?

They disrupt our ability to truly trust our bodies, specifically our hunger. A lack of body trust often makes us feel unsafe in our bodies. This lack of trust also interferes with our body sensations. So, our bodies may be giving us hunger signals but our minds will fight hard to override these cues because they've learned that not following the rules is bad, especially for women!

Don't be fooled and think that overriding these cues (which is also emotionally draining) means that you refrain from eating, although it may in extreme cases. How this usually plays out in our daily lives is,

• Not eating as much food as the body actually needs for physical and emotional reasons

• Not eating the foods that the body truly desires leading to feelings of dissatisfaction

• More often than not, eating past a comfortable fullness

• Increased stress and anxiety around food (which may cause digestive issues)

• Increased fear of weight gain and thoughts of restricting 

In the end, if we trusted our hunger as much as we trust our need to go to the bathroom, disordered eating wouldn't affect such a huge percentage of the population! 

If you're someone who doubts, berates, or belittles themselves because they've been told or believe they eat 'too much', eat 'too often', or eat for the 'wrong reasons', that's all diet culture conditioning that can be unlearned. 

Despite what diet culture dictates, our bodies know what they need, and they can be trusted! Keep tuning in, honoring your body’s cues, and unapologetically savoring every bite and wait for ‘magic’ to unfold.

Want eating and body image to be easier? I know I can help.